It's a TELL ALL! It's all out on the table!
I've slowly but steadily put on weight since I moved home from Arizona. When I was living there I'd hired a personal trainer and worked out steadily because, quite frankly, I was trying really hard to get over my skewed body image created by a bad, bad, bad relationship.
I didn't lose any weight (probably because I ate fast food everyday while driving between schools. I love bad food.), but I worked out like a fiend! I lost body fat and I gained a lot of muscle. I looked better than I do now, that's for sure. I felt more confident and I felt sexy for the first time in my life.
I became emotionally stable and I moved home. I stopped working out as hard and I ate pretty much whatever I wanted, but I was still in control.
Since then I've gotten married and moved away from all I know and love; my emotions are difficult to control sometimes, though I try very hard and quite successfully, to hide and bury them. I don't want my husband to go crazy, too. One of us is enough. I sometimes eat for comfort, but mostly not. I eat because my husband likes to eat and I feed him well. We're both getting fat. Happy marriage = happy eating, right?
My stomach, thighs, butt, and arms are now all back to how they were pre-AZ fitness. I want it back! Each week I vow to work out and burn at least 3500 kcals/week, which seems like nothing. Easy, right?
I wish it were! What was once easy for me (I was motivated out of anger at myself and my ex...anger is a good fuel for me) has now been lost. How do I get motivation back without getting angry? I have nothing to be angry about. I'm happy! Well, except for the little unhappiness of being too fat for my jeans. I've gained 10 lbs and lost all my muscle. I've also lost my access to easy fitness: no personal trainer, no free gym at an apartment, no country roads that are biker friendly. I suppose I could blame it all on MS, but I haven't really been interested in sweat. I've been more interested in tv, mario brothers, and eating delicious and large amounts of food.
So work is putting on a 'Biggest Loser' contest. It costs 20.00 to join, and then it costs a dollar each week to weigh in. If you gain, it costs you 2.00. I don't know if it's plausible for me to actually win because I don't really lose weight when I work out. I gain first and then slllloooooowwwwly lose some pounds, but not a lot. My body fat changes, but it doesn't show on the scale. I want to join because the possibility of winning money is good non-angry motivator for me, but I doubt I'll show any progress on a scale. When I lived in AZ I fluctuated between 155-160 lbs. I'm now 165-170 lbs, so I've gained 10 lbs. I could lose that, I'm sure, but would it be enough to win? Besides, my husband and I are trying to get pregnant, so won't this all be for naught anyway?
